Tips to SIZZLE with your spouse!

Keeping marriages strong are a real challenge these days – Every 13 seconds, a couple gets a divorce. For a first time marriage the divorce rate is 49%, a second time marriage the divorce rate is 62%, a third time marriage the divorce rate is 73%.

Theknot.com

That being said…we cannot be complacent in our relationships, so during this “month of love”, I wanted to do a relationship blog post. Being happily married for almost 18 years (wow where does the time go?), I can say I am at least an intermediate expert on this topic!

One way my hubby and I keep our relationship strong is each allowing each other to pursue our own separate passions and also enjoying passions together.  Travel is a big one for us and although we love family trips with our kids, getaways with just the two of us is definitely a key way we are able to focus on our relationship and show each other how precious our time is together! We try to do at least one big trip a year together and a few extra weekends or overnights (thankful the in-laws live nearby to help with the kids!)

I will be posting more fun couple trip ideas soon too, but for this post I had some tangible relationship action steps I wanted to share with you!

There are so many amazing relationship books and theories out there. As always, I love reading and learning and working on bettering myself in all areas of my life including relationships, and I love to share things that work or that I am hoping could work for you too. I know that a few key things to a happy marriage that each deserve their own separate blog post are understanding each other’s love language, working on the sizzle in the bedroom, giving each other the space to be your own person, and supporting each other’s dreams and goals.  These are some other things we can talk about soon too, but for now I want to share some of my favorites.

One of my favorite books on this topic is  “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Institute, a marital research and counseling center in Seattle (so researched based advice).  He says there are six magic hours that you should dedicate to your relationship that are key to developing and keeping a strong marriage.  Luckily he does not mean 6 hours a day – EEK how hard would THAT be – but 6 hours during the week (that will be hard enough to find, but in perspective it is only 5% of your waking time). This is based on lots of research from happily married couples – Dr. Gottman says “We wondered what would distinguish those couples whose marriages continued to improve from those whose marriages did not.  To our surprise, we discovered that they were devoting only an extra six hours a week to their marriage.”

As I mentioned, being married for 18 years this May and watching my parents marriage for over 40 years, I have seen that these six magic hours are great ways to keep a relationship strong .  There are a few of these my hubby and I need to work on a bit more too. This helps set a strong foundation for your relationship, knowing each other‘s wishes, goals, history, past, desires, future…so what are these magic 6 hours!? Here are the areas to focus on:

1. Partings

Before you separate from each other for the day, check in and see what’s going on with each other for the day and give each other a minimum of a six second kiss!  We often fail at this one as my hubby is often gone before I wake up! TIME: 4 minutes per day (2 in am/2 in pm) x 5 working days =10 minutes per week

2. Reunions

2At the end of the day, be sure to have a catch up chat (where you are fully present!) that lasts at least 20 minutes. We do this more casually but depending on your personalities you may need to actually “schedule it” in your day! TIME: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week

3. Appreciation

Take five minutes every day to show genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. During the day you can look for things to appreciate about your partner during the day which will increase your gratitude for them! TIME: 5 minutes per day x 7 days = 35 minutes per week

4. Affection

Demonstrate physical affection for your partner daily – touch, hold or kiss while together.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep (or more!). Connection is vital…a woman needs 8 to 10 non-sexual touches a day to feel needed and loved. TIME: 5 minutes per day x 7 days = 35 minutes per week

5. Date Night

Have a weekly date night! One on one with just you and your spouse. Try to shoot for two hours a week. It can be going somewhere fun or it can be two hours that you dedicate at home for dinner and snuggles after the kids go to bed. Work on your love map (see app note below)!  Ask open-ended questions, such as: “Where would you like to go on vacation?” Or “how was work this week?” TIME: Minimum 2 hours per week

6. State of the Union Talk

Spend one hour a week talking about what went right that week, discussing what went wrong and expressing appreciation for each other. Dr. Gottman’s research revealed that spending just one hour per week discussing areas of concern within the relationship has shown to transform the way partners manage conflict Discuss what needs to change. End by each of you asking and answering, ‘What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?” TIME: 1 hour a week  

You are probably doing some of these steps informally already and don’t feel like you have to add everything at once, but these are all proven ways to improve and maintain a happy marriage, so gradually try to add in these hours and adapt to your circumstances. If not, what can you change in your weekly routine to make time for these 6 hours?  Feel free to share this article with your spouse and tell him/her you want to have the best marriage ever!

These 6 hours can go a long way in keeping your marriage a happy and fulfilling one!

As a bonus to help you work on your relationship, I highly recommend the app Dr. Gottman‘s Card Decks this app is a wonderful way to use to get to know your partner better. Gives you ideas for connecting and gives you ideas for questions to ask each other to dig deeper into knowing what each other wants out of life and your relationship.  Great for road trip too!

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-hours-a-week-to-a-better-relationship/

BONUS:
*I would also add pray WITH EACH OTHER and FOR EACH OTHER daily if you are a person of faith. Praying for a spouse’s well-being can lead to “increased relationship satisfaction, greater trust, cooperation, forgiveness and marital commitment,” based on a 20 year study share in The Washington Post reported.

“I know of no single practice that will have a more salutary effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones and your dreams.  God then will be your partner, and your daily conversations with him will bring peace into your hearts and a joy into your lives that can come from no other source. Your companionship will sweeten through the years; your love will strengthen. Your appreciation for one another will grow.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley